love in Islam
هو الذي خلقكم من نفس واحدة وجعل منها زوجها ليسكن إليها
It is He who has created you and your spouse out of one entity, so that one
might incline (with love) towards the other.
[Q 7:189]
The human being as a social being has the responsibility of being most beneficial and least problematic to society. This responsibility begins in the closest circle of the community, the building block of society – the family. From there it extends to relatives, neighbors, friends and the rest of society. In this social context, let us reflect on some guidelines pertaining to individual responsibility.
Begin at Home
The ultimate testing ground for developing relationships is found within the home. Usually, a family will mirror the same attitudes toward people outside the home as they do within. ان من اكمل المؤمنين ايمانا احسنكم اخلاقا و الطفهم بأهله “Certainly, the excellence of character and being gracious to one’s household is part of the completion of faith.” [Prophet Muhammad(pbuh)]
Multiplicity of Roles
The family is an excellent testing ground because of the varied roles found within a typical home. In a family of four, there can exist twelve different roles or relationships.
The father in the family must relate as a man, a husband and a father.
The mother as a woman, a wife and a mother.
A boy is a son and a brother.
A girl is a daughter and a sister.
The multiplicity of roles is extremely challenging. The man of the house may be doing an admirable job as a father, but as a husband he may be lacking. A boy may get along well with his parents but may have difficulties relating to his sister or brother. There is a need for constant evaluation and a quality check on one’s life to make sure each respective relationship is functioning properly. This will not just happen. It will result only with a determined, deliberate mind set.
Love, Marriage & Family
The role of family in the overall social structure of Islam is great and if we fail to grasp its importance, the whole edifice will collapse. In Islam there is no family without union or marriage and there is no marriage without rules and discipline. The family in Islam is a unit in which two independent persons unite and share life together. The husband’s dignity is an integral part of his wife’s dignity. Accordingly, neither of them is better than the other. To unite and share, there must be mutual love and compassion – a genuine feeling which, unless translated into action and behavior, would be mere illusion.
The Institution of marriage
When Allah mentions marriage or the relationship between husband and wife in the Qur’an, He describes it as a relationship of love, compassion, mercy, and harmony between two human beings who have entered into a mutual contract…
ومن آياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها
وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة إن في ذلك لآيات لقوم يتفكرون
Among His wonders is that; He created for you mates out of your own human species, so that you may incline toward them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you; in this, behold, there are indeed messages for people who think[Q 30:21].
هو الذي خلقكم من نفس واحدة وجعل منها زوجها ليسكن إليها
It is He who has created you and your spouse out of one entity, so that one might incline (with love) towards the other. [Q 7:189]
Expression of love
The Qur’an speaks of the intimate and close relationship of the two spouses in these words: هن لباس لكم وأنتم لباس لهن They are like garments unto you as you are like garments unto them [Q 2:187]. By using the simile of ‘garments’, 3 significant dimensions of the relationship are highlighted….
First, dress is a covering and that is considered to be one of the most fundamental needs of human beings in all stages of life. Keeping you warm in the cold and keeping the heat out when it is hot.
Second, dress covers the nakedness of human beings and hides those parts which are to be kept hidden. Every person has his weakness and frailty and does not want them to be disclosed to others.
Third, dress is the closest thing that constantly touches our bare skin, and this indicates intimacy.
The two ***es working together, not only cover each other’s weakness and frailty, but also enhance each other’s capabilities and help each other make up their deficiencies. Spouses are told to be generous and liberal in their treatment of each other under all circumstances, especially when the relations between the two are not very amicable. ولا تنسوا الفضل بينكم And do not forget liberality between yourselves [Q 2:237]. Even in divorce, we are enjoined to be just and fair (ma’ruf) فإمساك بمعروف أو تسريح بإحسان
take them back honorably on equitable terms or set them free with kindness and goodness. [Q 2:229]
So, it is through the institution of marriage that true expression is given to what the Qur’an refers to as مودة ورحمة “love and mercy” [Q 30:21] between men and women; من ذكر أو أنثى بعضكم من بعض that be you male or female, you are members of one another [Q 3:195], and بعضهم أولياء بعض
that men and women are protectors, one of another. [Q 9:71]
Together, but Not the Same
When two loving individuals come together through the bond of marriage, they become one in commitment to their relationship, yet remain distinct individuals with independent thoughts, feelings, emotions and opinions. If one tries to make the other like himself or herself then you have in actual fact tried to marry yourself. Human beings are human beings, each one unique; accept that fact and display that acceptance with affection.
The marital relationship is the most intimate of relationships; like هن لباس لكم وأنتم لباس لهن garments unto you as you are like garments unto them. Within the bonds of this intimacy; shared feelings, honest and open communication, genuine understanding, mutual responsibility and caring needs to flourish. The intimacy must provide a haven that offers a sense of warmth, safety, security and interdependence. After all, the relationship is founded on mawaddah مودة/love & affection, and rahmah رحمة /tenderness and compassion; intended to result in sakinah/tranquility and harmony.
Many couples are together yet NOT “together”, for though they live under one roof, they live separate lives. Togetherness means much more than sitting at the table for dinner and sleeping in the same room.
There must exist …
an emotional togetherness that emanates from being attuned to each other’s feelings
an intellectual togetherness that allows the sharing of thoughts, ideas and opinions
a work togetherness where there is involvement in performing chores and everyday tasks
a recreational togetherness when you have fun and excitement together
a crisis togetherness when you can lean on each other and support one another in times of difficulty and tragedy
an aesthetic togetherness through which you share the beauties of the artistry of life and of living
a spiritual togetherness by means of which you inspire the best in one another and grow closer to the Creator
The best of blessings for the husband is to have … a faithful wife who does not betray her husband either in personality or in wealth. As for the husband و عاشروهن بالمعروف live with your wife in keeping with the best of standards. The Prophet (pbuh) said : Shall I inform you of the best among you? The respectful gentleman, who has good manners and honors his wife as best he can. In fact, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) told his companions; خيركم خيركم لنسائهم the measure of the goodness of a man is measured by how he treats women.
